Have you seen all the people jostling against each other? Gosh - where do they come from? They are everywhere, fighting for each others necks. This train, which I ride to work, is loaded with thrice its capacity, day after day. People cling on to its roof, window sils, wheelbarrows, dashboards, buffers and still there's no end in sight.
To begin with, you must board the train. Now this is a delicate art of balance, between the footboard and the platform, between ape and human, and the big hurdle to cross. The selection of compartment is important. A lengthier compartment offers more breathing space than the smaller ones. However, the choice is usually settled after the first few days. Once the train does the touchdown on the platform, you must be prepared with all your extensor muscles. The elbow turns into a weapon of mass destruction. Be teh first to get a hold on the door handle, and let your extended arm block everybody else. With a swift thrust of your hips, board the train and stride a few feet forward. Now you must decide which side to go. The lane between two rows of seated passengers is always the preferable legroom for experienced passengers, and you must aim for a somewhat emptier lane.
Once you have entered a lane, make a polite request to your fellow ones to lift your bag over the luggage bunk. Of course, if everybody threw around their bags in such a fashion then the 'lifeters' could make a living of it, but a little 'heh heh' and a petty joke or two saves you the money. Now assess the ones who are seated. People who are due for a long journey will usually be sleepy, or reading a paper, or engaged in a game of cards. Do not bother going anywhere near these people. Instead, find school students, any young man staying up alone, or anybody who seems to be in a little hurry. Stand on his face, make life miserable for him by leaning over him, dropping a few drops of your sweat over him, peeling a pack of nuts and dismissing the pack over him; be creative in the possibilities.
Of course, if you are lucky, you will find a group of daily passengers who will offer a seat to you. On most other days, you will find these daily passengers carving their own reserved niche in the train, a kind of secluded comfort zone where everybody else is barred. They will gossip in nasty language, pick on each other's butts, play cards over their handkerchiefs, occassionally sing out aloud, and leave you standing out. You have to either hate or love them. If you hate them, keep away. If you love them, try to get into the gang and you'll secure yourself a seat for the rest of your stint.
As each new station comes, a trainsome of people will board the train, and come yelling at their group 'I have come'. They will slide past you to get into the cherished lanes. Stop them at any cost, they will eat up the precious seat that is potentially yours.
Sometimes a really rugged, dirty person with oiled hair and brown teeth is apposed with you. Or a fat lady with a foul breath. Or a really big roller who pushes out everybody with his tummy. These are the truths of life. Bear with them.
If you are really unlucky, you will be left standing the whole journey before a single creepy guy busy reading the economic times, who does not even bother looking at anybody else, and only leaves the seat after the train has halted at the last station.
It's time to land. Get ready with your triceps again. Usually the card players will have blocked half the exit. It's foolish to meddle with them when you have only fifteen to twenty seconds to unboard. Remember that it's now or never. Push out every moving thing out of your way, use your teeth and nails generously. The train will carry away all the bites anyway.
